I really hate doing this but thought I’d just do it anyway. It’s been going on for almost four months now and I can’t seem to help myself because I never really opened up to anybody. I’ve been having a sleeping disorder causing me to wake up at wee hours of the night and not being able to sleep. The situation made me realize to still be thankful about it because I’m able to get 2-3 hours of sleep per day at least. In most cases, I end up acting like a zombie, with the only difference of being able to take a quick nap while in the car or in the restroom and being able to think clearly again like nothing all is well. I’m starting to feel helpless. As of this writing, it’s already 2:30 AM and I’m outside taking a jog so I can tire myself and force my weakening body to go back to sleep. I really miss you. I feel the need to see a psychiatrist, a therapist, or whoever but so afraid what result might come out. I haven’t really been my complete self lately because I’m still hoping you just needed time to think about what you want to do in your life but it breaks my heart to realize you have moved on with your life and it does not include me. I feel such a loser for not being able to give a fair fight because long distance relationships are already complicated and full of challenges in the first place. Also, add to that the fact that there are so many recent changes in the organization I don’t even have control about. It’s so easy to detach yourself from people and the situation when you’re the one who initiated it, but when you’re on the other side of this crazy reality, you just can’t help but deny the truth that’s been slapping you back and forth since the first time it happened. I thought first cut was the deepest, but felt that this one is more striking than the previous because we had plans and I’m willing to give up everything, but then, you just left me in the middle of all these preparations we had, unprepared. Didn’t even see this coming that’s why it’s hurting me. Could’ve been two years and two months and who knows if we already live together in the same place, but I guess that what if thinking is over because it won’t happen anymore and it’s never going to happen. Well, life.

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