The [Whereabouts]

I was watching TV when all of a sudden, the song Disturbia by Rihanna suddenly played as a music background. It went fine until it ended. I got LSS with the song and literally got disturbed. I was playing with my family with some Math problems and it’s weird that I was not able to get the easy questions correctly. Haha. Like for instance, The answer’s 24 but I got 29. Another answer is 16 but I only answered 4. Weird. Very weird. Really really weird. That’s so ridiculous. It’s depressing and shameful on my part because playing with my family with some Math problems is very rare and I showed a very bad performance. I know it’s like they wanna ask if I just cheated at school to get high grades in Math. I don’t care. I just got really disturbed with the song. I know myself. Haha. Now this is reaction formation.

I am so hurt, sad and felt offended with words said by my uncle. I felt so little and again, I’m having a hard time recovering that lost esteem. For the longest years, I know my family and relatives are expecting a lot from me. Who am I? Well, I’m the eldest son and grandson of both my mother and father’s side. I have so many inherited responsibilities. Name it, I got it. I have nothing against it. I understand that that’s the life I’m facing and I can’t turn back because that’s an option only cowards do. I always understand. I should always understand. That’s my life for 22 years now. In fact I have learned to embrace all those duties and responsibilities you never asked if I’m still ok or how I was able to manage all of them. My only request is let me do it my own way. After all, you demand and expect so much but can’t give me even a single help and support. It’s easy for you to tell those things because you’re already in the peak of your career and I’m just starting. Please understand that I wanna try all the options I’ve got so in the end I won’t regret anything. If I follow what you want, there are complaints and if I do things my own way, you always say I’m wrong, or Aaron that’s not about it and so on. What is so wrong? Tell me where to place Aaron, the guinea pig.

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³⁷“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ³⁸Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

³⁹He also told them this parable: “Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? ⁴⁰A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.

⁴¹“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴²How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Luke 6:37-42

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I’m sorry, I’m just so fed up with what’s happening. Believe me, I never wanted this dramatic life.

This is one question I have never asked for myself not until tonight. Few hours ago, the Philippine Professional Regulations Commission finally released the total number and names of newly passed nursing graduates from the recent licensing examination for nurses held last November 29-30 of 2009. A total of 37, 527 out of 94, 462 (39.72%) passed the said examination. I am happy for those who passed but whenever the thought of what’s gonna happen next to my career as a registered nurse, I get a little worried and agitated. About two years have passed now since I graduated and passed but I’m seeing no improvement with my career. Yeah, I’m an NCLEX-RN passer, IELTS and CGFNS certified but that’s just about it. I’m starting to lose my interest with this field that I chose.

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What if I took Theatre Arts or a computer-related course like IT when I was in college? They are my first love anyway. Perhaps I am not having this kind of sentiment and maybe I am much happier and more true in congratulating newly passed nurses right now. Maybe I’m more successful and much happier with the status of my career. Well, maybe. I still can’t tell. Regretting can be easy but whenever I think of real friends I’ve met because of the course I took, it’s becoming harder and harder to think of any regrets to make.

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That’s one thing running on my mind now. I know I’ve been known as frank and straight forward at school. I don’t say whatever I wanna say. I’m not the type of person too who speaks just to get attention or make everyone notice me because of the noise I’m making. I know that I’m a sensible person and I always fight for what’s right. It’s not always about me. I care about what’s right and that’s one of those that compose me as a human. And if I’ll just remain silent with all their oppression and not make them aware that what they’re doing is not morally right, that means I tolerated them and that will continue to happen unless they become aware. Last January 16 of this year, I was so agitated that I ended posting a shout out on my Facebook wall. Let me quote again what I said:

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Oh yeah, since you’re a teacher’s pet of those who doesn’t have one word and only think of themselves when making decisions, I am not surprised to see my brother cramming because of YOU and your poor decisions. By the way, do you have a Master’s degree and/or enough hospital experience for you to QUALIFY teach university students? NO!

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I didn’t name who that person is because one, I want it to be a time for reflection for everyone who is in the teaching profession. Secondly, I don’t wanna be sued because of some damage I can possibly cause to their names. And lastly, it’s no longer my issue. It’s my brother’s issue and I might cause a big trouble in case I do. But to tell you, it still did. It created a major issue and served as an open blind item for our batch. I understand that nursing profession in the Philippines would not help you in any way to support an extra life. Lucky are those who get paid from nursing career. Usual salary ranges from 80-200 USD a month. But for the vast population of nurses, they don’t get paid because most hospitals are not in need of additional staff. Hospitals only accept volunteer works to minimize workload of staff nurses they have which leave newly licensed nurses with no choice but to grab it. And in some cases, volunteer nurses usually have to pay some amount just to gain a hospital experience in some hospitals. Imagine how it affects the ego of most of us. Unemployment or being underemployed is the consequence of the nursing popularity overseas. So I’d really understand if anyone would be grabbing a chance of any under the table offer. And to be honest, with the situation that nurses are having I’d grab any under the table offer too. But if I do, I will make sure that I deserve the amount they have risked just to put me in a position which in this case is teaching university students. For the 16 years I’ve spent at school, I know I’ve had enough experiences to see that good and bad qualities of teachers/professors that I should follow and avoid. I don’t want to be in a situation where I have to repeat the same mistake I have observed over and over and over and over. I always wanna feel that I’ve grown up and not people hoping me to grow up. Sadly, that’s the case of the person I’m trying to pertain on my shout out where everyone wishes a more mature and considerate decision making skills for that person asap.

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